Focusing on the now...

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. ~Buddha

As difficult as it is for me to embrace, this advice provides great insight. Without a doubt, our past helps shape who we are and the person we become. Everyone whom our paths cross has an affect on us, whether big or small. Every event that touches our lives in any sense will leave an impression on our memory. While all of this is fine, we must find a way for the past not to consume our thoughts and define who we become.

On a similar note, the future has more power than we realize. Beginning in childhood, we are taught to dream big and set goals. Dreams and goals are great tools for motivation. They can also set someone up to over-analyze their life. If you consume your thoughts on either the past, the future or a combination of the two, you forget to live in the present. 

My past...

By any means, my life has not been the most difficult of lives. It has not been without its challenges either. Facing death, betrayal and heartbreak at young ages has a profound impact on the way I view the world. When I look at myself, I see a strong woman who has endured a fair share of stress. I have never let that change who I am, though it is hard not to let it make an impression.

In high school, I was more or less "Catfished" by someone I believed to be a dear friend to me. Of course, that led to losing a friendship that has become important to me at an impressionable age. This person further destroyed my self confidence by spreading rumors within our circle of friends, making me lose other bonds I had created. More or less, I had to start from scratch.

I did what any high school girl would do after the shock wore off - I turned on the silent treatment. I found better friends and avoided any confrontation or even sharing the same space as that person. In doing so, I met some great people along the way. 

One group of friends took me in with open arms. One guy in particular, had always been friendly. He always had a smile on his face. I used to think "I wish I could be as happy as him". One day, I learned that this guy, who had been nicknamed "smiley", had committed suicide. It came as a complete shock and certainly changed my perspective on things. No matter how happy someone may appear, that may not always be the case.

We all know that friends come and go. I have seen quite a few leave this world far too soon. Some by their own hands and some at the hands of others. Most recently, I lost a friend who was more like a brother to me. While this loss still stings, my heart cannot comprehend that I will not see him again.

Caleb was also a great person, so full of live. His accident came as a complete shock to all of us. I had not seen him in years, but I never lost that special spot in my heart I held for him. Sometimes the guilt of not seeing him for so long overwhelms me. I feel like I should have been a better friend. Then I remember all the laughs we shared, all the jokes he played. And I realize, there is nothing I can do about the loss time. It is more important to remember those great memories that he has given me. These are things that can never be taken from me.

My future...

Since I was a girl, I had always dreamed about my fairy tale wedding. While I know no marriage is a fairy tale, I still am hopeful to find my one true love. This has guided me to never settle for any less than I deserve. 

Sometimes, though, I feel as if I set my bar too high. The close I get to thirty the more urgent finding someone seems. Then, I force myself to remember that I am still young. I still have the rest of my life to find the one who completes me. 

I used to put myself on a timeline. I want to be married by this age. Have a house by this year. Have this many kids before I am too old to enjoy it. The older I get, the more I realize my timeline was a bit off - that a timeline in general is silly. This is what putting too much importance on my goals gets me.

On the same note, I have always been very ambitious. I wanted to graduate college and begin a successful career. And at first it seemed like I would do just that. But, along the way, there were setbacks. 

I did have a great start to a successful career in Florida, but the happiness was lacking. And that should be the most important thing to strive for in life. 


Now that I am back home in Indiana, I feel more at home than ever. I may not be rich, or anywhere near it, but I am content with the way things are right now. And, as always, I have room for improvement. Nothing would be worse to become stagnant. 

I have always had creativity running through my blood. Through my photography and writing I get to channel that into great things. Maybe I am nearing thirty and still not exactly where I want to be... but 30 is merely 1/3 of my life. 

There is still so much time for everything to fall into place. This is one thing I have to remind myself. I cannot dwell on the past...  because those who have betrayed me were not meant to be in my life. The heartbreaks I have gone through have made me stronger than I realized I could ever be. The loss made me cherish my loved ones that much more... and the time we all have here on Earth. 

The future is uncertain for everyone. I cannot continue to believe that I am falling behind. I am right where I need to be at this moment. My life is shaping me into the person I need to be for my best friend and my career. 

My present...

So, the present needs to be my focus. While the past will always  provide me insight into the world... and the future will always guide my actions... the present is what truly matters. Life passes by so quickly. If you do not take the time to enjoy it, it will be gone before we know it.

Right now, I am a photographer and a freelance writer. I am a great friend, sister and auntie. My life may not be exactly where I expected, but I cannot complain. It could be worse.

I will continue to strive for my goals and search for love... but I refuse to put myself on a timeline for happiness. Happiness comes from within... not from what happens. 

For now, I will focus on smiling every day and enjoying myself as much as possible. What is meant to be will happen. Sometimes the best things in life deserve a little patience.