January 2012 marked the beginning of a new chapter. I had months to settle in and adjust to my homecoming from Florida in September. Ringing in the new year with style and lots of fun, it seemed like my life was finally getting back on track to get me where I am supposed to go. Since then, the year had been filled with ups and downs, zigs and zags, mountains to climb and beaches to relax.
Throughout the year, I have gone through job searching, soul searching and searching for "the one" - none of which has given me much clarity...
Yes- I loved my current job in photography. It gives me a sense of satisfaction I have never felt with any other jobs. To be able to interact with young children, make them laugh - it is absolutely priceless. Dealing with the complaints, the tantrums and the tears is another story. It all comes along with the job, so I shouldn't complain, right?
My heart is torn between loving my job and just dealing with it. I have the patience to work in retail, that is for sure. I have done it almost all of my life. The stress, the hours and the regular lack of gratitude gets to me at times. But then again, there are the parents who truly mean it when they say "thank you". Knowing your work is going to contribute to family stories and wonderful memories throughout the years, its amazing. It is even more enjoyable to realize the stories told with my photography with be cherished throughout a lifetime and beyond.
Having lost an old friend recently has enlightened me on the importance of memories. Growing up, I did not always have a camera on hand like I do now. I wish I had. I have one picture with my recently deceased friend, and that is one thing I cannot change. I luckily have a vivid memory of some great times with him. When my memory starts to fade, what happens to him? Instead of turning to great photographs, I will have to write down the memories to ensure they will remain with me forever.
On the other hand, my job is less than fruitful. I still have about 6 months before I can be considered full-time... and that is only if I keep working a certain amount of hours a week. Being an hourly employee is tiring. And frankly, I am sick of it. I especially hate never knowing how many hours I may get week to week. Will my bills be paid? Will I have to rely on credit? My parents? I truly wish I could be financially secure and independent once and for all.
As far as my search for love goes... 2012 has been less than helpful. I have met a number of men who couldn't treat me as I should be treated. Couple that with the fact that my heart seems to be set on someone unattainable, my search for "the one" is not going well.
I have been my own worst enemy in matters of the heart. Bad timing has not helped. I have a bad habit of underestimating myself. When I meet someone who would be great for me, I can never imagine them feeling the same about me. Instead of taking a risk and telling them how I feel, I hold it in to avoid embarrassment or yet another heart break.
This one person in particular happened to come back around into my life. But as my luck would have it, the timing was all wrong. I had come to terms with the notion that it was just not meant to be and attempted to search for someone who could be as good for me as he could have been. So far, I have not been successful in my search.
The more friends of mine who find love, get married and have kids... the more I feel inadequate in my own life. I feel like I am falling behind. I know this is silly, that life happens as it will. But, I can't help but feel this way. I feel like I was meant to be a great wife and great mother. I also feel as if my time is running out. I know I am "only" 27... but then again... I am getting closer and closer to 30. And my biological clock is ticking...
Looking back, I realize that I have not given myself enough credit. I have fallen for the wrong guys and gotten hurt for it. And I proceeded to hurt myself even more because of that heart ache I felt with those guys. I have been so afraid of getting hurt that I have not allowed myself to try too hard to find someone who would treat me like I should be treated.
As my sister and I joke around, I have not found "my Drew". I am serious, though, when I say I need to find a man who treats me half as well as Drew treats my sister. He is not only my sister's husband and my nephews' father... he is my brother. He is the bar I set for myself when it comes to love. I want to stay hopeful that "My Drew" will come... I just hope he comes soon. If not, I don't know how long I can hold on to my faith in love and fate.
Growing up, I was always a hopeless romantic. And through the years, I have realized that part of me has faded. I still am hopeful, but not as much. I have contemplated back up plans, lowering standards... etc.
The holidays have a way of making single people feel more alone than they are... I can only hope the new year will bring a renewed faith in love and a stronger hope of things to come.
As silly as resolutions seem... and almost pointless as they can be if you don't stick to them... I will continue to set them for myself. If I don't have something to strive for, what's the point? So here are my 2013 resolutions...
1. Learn to truly LOVE myself and see me as others see me
2. Open my heart to the possibility of love... and if I find someone, open up to them!
3. Become the best version of myself... less stressed, healthier, active, happy
4. Find Toby a puppy buddy :) I have wanted another dog for awhile... and its about time to make it happen
5. Stop surrounding my life with work... find time to enjoy hobbies, nature, etc
6. Be the BEST sister, auntie, daughter and friend that I can possibly... never taking any relationship I have for granted or letting go of them too easily
7. Succeed with Examiner... improve my photography...
8. Focus on completing some of my bucket list... you never know when time with run out!
This list seems long... but the year is longer. As I reach goals, I will be set more... If I know anything about myself, I know that I work best when trying to achieve something.
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