Unsaid...

People say some things are better left unsaid. Are they really? Maybe some things are better kept in your mind if it might hurt someone. When it comes to matters of the heart, though, I am not sure words should be unspoken. They say we are our own worst enemies. Now that is something I believe. Two things have been my weapons in the war against myself. 1) bad timing & 2) words left unsaid.

Its no secret to those who are close to me that I have been burned more than once by more than a few people. This has caused me to put up a force field around my heart that is hard to let down. If someone truly tries to break through, they are welcomed with open arms and never let go. Its those that aren't quite sure how to deal with my walls that I wonder about...

Years ago I wrote a blog post about my "Mr. Big". This guy had been everything I had wanted for so long. He cared about what I thought and how I felt. He spent time with me having fun and being serious. We could sit in silence and enjoy our time. When it came down to it, our lives were at a crossroads. He was traveling for work and I had the opportunity to move to another state. We both chose to go separate ways... but something inside of me still wonders why could have been had I stayed in Indianapolis - or at least come back after my internship.Now its too late to ever find out... All I know is we had great times together... and I have wonderful memories of the days we spent. I am not even hoping that he will truly be my Mr. Big and in the end I'll be with him. But it does hurt to never know what would have been... or not.

Then, of course... there is the matter of words I was not brave enough to say. My theory on love is this... true love is marrying your best friend, someone who loves you for you. You would think whenever you found a person like that, you would grab them up and never let them go. Not me... My fear of rejection and getting hurt once again made me keep my feelings to myself. Now, once again... its too late.

No matter what I do or say... I feel like I am on this vicious cycle.  I truly am ready to find my best friend.... but it also terrifies me to open up to someone new. The only thing I can do is learn from my bad timing and my words left unsaid... I need to make sure history does not repeat itself.

I guess what I need is someone to make me feel that I will never be hurt as long as I am in their arms. When will I find that? Who knows... One thing is certain, I have not given up. That man is out there... our timing just needs to be perfect.

I know this post seems to contradict my previous blog concerning staying in the present. Honestly, it I am not dwelling on the past. It is always good to reflect and learn. And that is what I intend to do :)